The seasons have turned. It is Autumn in the subtropics. Mornings are still and crisp, flowers are blooming throughout the herb beds and the days feel shorter as I scurry through the afternoons finishing all of the things I promised myself I would before darkness. In the studio I am working on several small pieces and conjuring ideas for more substantial works and projects. I have found a flow that sees me spending several hours a day with my paints and pencils. I like this pace I have built up. I am working slower and more mindfully than I have before. It feels good.
This cool change has brought with it a feeling, a knowing, some kind of old magic that has blossomed in my heart and for the first time in many, many years (maybe a decade, maybe more) I feel at home. Now I don’t mean geographically, and I’m not referring specifically to my abode. What I mean is that I feel at home in my mind, in my body, in the world. Here I am, a child of the universe, stardust tripping on consciousness weaving my way through the psychedelic patchwork of life - and I feel home here in the midst of all the madness. This hasn’t always been the case.
Perhaps this sounds a bit loopy, and I won’t make any claims to being perfectly sane, but the feeling is not manic or wild, in fact it’s quite the opposite – it’s quiet and comforting, like a soft, gentle coat made by kind, loving hands. Actually, there are no words for it, but it’s nice to be here again in this space. I can’t actually remember when I was here last – my early twenties? Before that? A past life? No, I have been here before in this one, but when was it? All I know is that this feeling is familiar, it’s like I’ve returned to the right path, that for decades I’ve been wandering lost in a dim forest searching for the light.
The funny thing is that it’s only in being here that I recognise how lost I truly was. I didn’t really know it at the time. I mean, I knew it sometimes, like when the world appeared drained of all joy and the light of hope dimmed itself to the murkiest grey. But most times weren’t like that, they were just kind of beige or flat or sufficient. I thought I was ok but I see now that my centre was so far off whack that I didn’t even know what ok was.
I have worked relentlessly to get back here. To open myself back up to the world. To allow myself to feel. To shed my many addictions. To let go of who I thought I wanted to be and just be - just be the me that has always been there. I never wanted to be great or famous or make lots of money, all I ever wanted was to be able to express my curiosity. Isn’t that what we all want? To be curious and feel loved? I read once that curiosity is the opposite of depression and it makes absolute sense to me.
I don’t know why I speak of this today, or why this cool change has brought with it this realisation but I will say this: for the past four years I have consciously channelled my energy into becoming the kind of person who walks through the world with more ease. I have given myself over to multiple spiritual practices, searched many books and corners of the web for solutions to mental fatigue and hopelessness, repeated mantras, meditated, gardened, exercised, changed my diet, and tried desperately to rearrange the way I looked at life. You name it, I probably looked into it!
There are so many realisations I could share, so many clichéd quotes and sayings, so many spiritual laws and truths that I could point to that have helped me on my path. But my way is for me, everyone has to navigate their own way. And it is a journey that never reaches a conclusive end. Happiness, I have realised, is a practice. Traversing the darkness in the world is not easy, but it is not for any single person to take on, or to hold on to. Let it go. Let go of all the heaviness, the disappointment, the unfulfilled expectations, the hurt, the secrets, the humiliations, the shame, let it all go. Reach for the light. And once you get it scatter it near and far!
I love you ocean-loving, radiant, earth-bound stardust friends! 😄💙